DETROIT – In response to non-payment of property taxes, the City of Detroit has undertaken a massive city-wide effort to block sunlight from the homes of its poorest residents.
“They came at 5am to install the sun blocker over my house,” said Marcus Jones. “It was still dark out, so I didn’t notice it until hours later.” Jones then directed reporters to the property boundary of his darkened home, demonstrating how his neighbour still had bright noon hour sunlight.
Jones lamented, “How am I supposed to get rid of all these bats?”
The massive sun blocking devices are just the latest in the city of Detroit’s plans to recoup millions in lost tax revenue. In some cases entire neighbourhoods have had their light blocked out, while in other cases individual homes have been plunged into darkness.
The sunlight turnoff initiative is the brainchild of Detroit’s emergency manager trustee, Kevyn Orr. “There is no law that guarantees the right to free sunlight. Trust me, we checked,” explained the unilaterally appointed Orr.
Asked whether the cost of blocking the sunlight was greater than the lost revenue, Orr replied, “Certainly, but we’re counting on the costs to be offset by sales of scurvy medication.”
Some have noted that many delinquent payees – notably Detroit’s high-end golf club, Joe Louis arena, and many commercial users – continue to enjoy both free sunlight, and its offshoot benefits like heat and photosynthesis. However, before receiving an explanation for the preferential treatment, these residents have generally been frightened off by the increase in nocturnal wolf activity.
Many residents are beginning to feel the lack of heat. Local labourer Scott Jenkins explained, “It wasn’t so bad at first, when I still had my job at the sun blocker motor plant. But then (Republican Governor) Snyder shipped the whole plant down to Mexico!”
Still, longtime resident Patty Hudson remains defiant regarding the health problems associated with sun blocking: “They tell us lack of sun can lead to diabetes, high blood pressure, and depression. Well, I been living in Detroit for 40 years – I already got all of those. They’re gonna have to do better than that to get rid of me.”
At press time Detroit was bracing for a surge in vampire activity, of both the corporate and nosferatu varieties.